New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
