Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
