i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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