Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
