Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
