his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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