Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
