thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
