Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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