she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
