I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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