do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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