she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
