Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
