i was born a porn star she said
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
there was a trapeze. enough said
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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