You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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