So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
