I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
