Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
