If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
