so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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