my phone needs a breathalizer
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
