Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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