tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
