Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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