you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you mean i was at the winter classic?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
