my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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