also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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