On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
