jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
