I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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