omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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