he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
