I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
