Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
