today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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