Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
