I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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