GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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