I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
