If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
