Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
