I think I am morally bankrupt
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
