'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Are we still banned from the library?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
