They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just threw up on my dentist
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
