My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
