i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
