I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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