they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
