Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
