Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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