How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
