Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
