my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
