I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Watching her eat just hurts me
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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